Donuts heal broken hearts

This time last week, I was preparing to have a conversation I didn’t think I’d be having so soon, with a person I did not want to have that conversation with. I was so drained of energy and emotion, that I did not think it was possible to cry anymore; I was wrong. I didn’t think it was possible to feel any more crushed than I already did. Again, after that conversation, I learned that I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.

Break ups are difficult, and no matter how hard you search, you won’t always get the answers to your questions. It can make getting closure a never ending task, because without those answers you always wonder where it went wrong. We’re always seeking closure.

That night I went out, and in true post break up fashion, I got drunk. And I cried, hysterically. I cried so hard that I had a physical pain in my chest. I balled my eyes out to the point where I couldn’t keep my upper body upright. This wasn’t because I was drunk though, I was just tired. So tired. This had happened a few times in the week beforehand, where I was so drained that my body just collapsed into my lap as I sobbed. I didn’t have the strength for this.

My friends brought me home. They hugged me and they listened to me, and they reassured me that I’d be okay. They took care of me. All my friends had been taking such good care of me. I realised the next day that while they were doing this, I needed to take care of myself. You can have twenty people picking you up when you fall down, but you have to be willing to pick up the extra pieces yourself. You have to be willing to get on with your life.

When you’re going through a break up, it can be easy to just wallow in your own self-pity. To stay in bed for three days straight and listen to sad songs and think that the world is ending and your life is over and you’ll never be happy again. Maybe the last bit is an over-exaggeration, but you get what I mean. It’s okay to feel shitty to a certain extent and we all need time to cry, but you have to stop at some point. The world keeps spinning and life doesn’t stop for anyone.

That same evening I was sitting on the cold, dirty floor on a wet evening, waiting on my bus to the airport. The rain was hitting off my skin and I hoped that every sudden drop would shock me and jolt some kind of energy into me. It didn’t happen, but it made me realise something.

I wasn’t going to feel better by sitting around and waiting for happiness to be handed to me on a silver platter. There was only so much moping around I could do before I was going to get used to it, to get comfortable with it, to think that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I made a conscious decision that day that I was going to try, to really, really try, to feel better.

Going home and visiting my friends was the first step, but I knew I wasn’t going to feel on top of the world again overnight. The next day, I didn’t cry. Or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that. I’ll admit it, yesterday I did get a little upset. But I cried for a few minutes, and I pulled myself together and I felt a little better. This is what it’s about, feeling that tiny bit better every day and knowing that you can get through this.

I went to visit one of my best friends in London. I went to a job interview. I ate donuts, plenty of donuts, because donuts heal broken hearts. I surrounded myself with positive people, and I left the house; even when I didn’t want to. I haven’t drank any rosé yet but I’m planning on it. I started to read a new book. I made myself healthy dinners. I wrote more. I bought a new purple, glittery lipstick. I started watching a new TV series. I made an attempt at my assignments, and I didn’t get much done, but I tried and that’s the main thing.

As each day goes by, I’m feeling that small bit better. My life has changed a lot in the last year, and now I’m free to be the person that I’ve always wanted to be. Yes, this is an ending, and endings are always horrible. But it’s also a chapter with a new beginning.

I was wrong about a lot of things, in that a week ago I said I couldn’t do this.

Keep doing the little things that make you happy, and you’re going to be okay.

And remember; donuts heal broken hearts.

pinkdonut

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Stop flaunting your sexuality

Why is there a need to validate our sexuality in this day and age? Why is there even a need to come out at all? Why can’t we just love who we want to love, be with whoever we want to be with? Why is it assumed that we’re all born heterosexual, with young girls being told that one day they’ll find their Prince; oblivious to the fact that for some it might actually be a Princess? Because it’s 2016 Ireland, and although people think we’ve made leaps and bounds since the Yes vote in the marriage referendum, we haven’t come that far yet.

We understand what it means to be straight, and we understand what it means to be gay. For decades we’ve been campaigning for gay rights, proclaiming that gay people were born this way and were not able to change their sexuality. Eventually, people began to accept that others were gay. They did not entirely understand it, but they got their head around the concept. Then along came bisexuality; people were finally comfortable coming out and admitting that they were attracted to more than one sex. There are many different sexualities out there, and it’s up to each individual to find onelesbian that fits their preference (or they may choose not to label themselves at all). We’re now aware that heterosexuality isn’t as “normal” as we once thought, so why is there still a need to say, “I’m gay.”?

After the success of the marriage referendum, some may think that the process of coming out is way too dramatized. That it shouldn’t be a case of proclaiming, “Look at me, I’m different!” When really, nobody actually cares and you’re not that different at all. It seems that now, if you come out people are thinking “What’s the fuss about?” Because it’s just another gay, bisexual or queer person. We know so many of them now, and that’s amazing. Coming out should not be dramatic, nobody wants it to be. But for many people, it is.

As much as we like to tell ourselves that the world is a kind, loving and accepting place, sometimes it just isn’t. Yes, people have become more accepting of the LGBTQ community since the marriage referendum, but we still have a long way to go. People seem to forget that, although our generation are overwhelmingly accepting, some of the older generation are still alive, kicking and not too happy about same-sex relationships. There are parents out there with a “not on my doorstep” attitude, and small town syndrome is still prevalent all over the country.

When young people come out these days, it can still be dramatic. They go into it knowing that they could lose some of their best friends and closest family members, and for some of them, they do. You might think it’s not that big of a deal because your family voted Yes in the marriage referendum, but for some people coming out, it’s a huge deal. And granted that it all goes well, that your family say they still love you and your friends couldn’t care less: if you’ve waited 23 years to come out and you’re finally comfortable with your sexuality, it’s a big thing. You should be able to celebrate that without complaints that you’re making a fuss.

There have head shaking and sighs about LGBTQ people throwing their gayness in your face since the beginning of time. What started with “I don’t mind gays, but I hate when they flaunt it” has turned to the likes of “I’m not judging you because you’re gay, I’m judging you know because you’re talking abolesbian3ut it on social media” as time has gone by. And what that boils down to is this; you are flaunting your non heterosexual sexuality by coming out and being visible. By having a presence, and letting people know that, “Hello, I’m Laura. I’m 26, I’m a nurse, and I’m gay.”

Ask an LGBTQ person about why they make such a big deal out of their same-sex relationship and you’ll get the same answer as you would from any heterosexual couple. When you’re in a relationship with somebody, they become a big part of your life. You’re proud of the person they are, you want to show them off and show others that you are together. It’s normal.

It’s not about flaunting anything. It’s wanting to show affection to your partner, to let them know that you appreciate and care about them. It’s about kissing them goodbye outside of the car, rather than hiding away inside. It’s about being comfortable holding your partners hand in public, just because you want to be close to them. It’s not a statement, and it shouldn’t be.closet

Ideally, we would love to live in a world where nobody had a problem with the LGBTQ community. But unfortunately, we’re not quite there yet. This is why people still feel the need to “come out”, to label themselves and this is why sometimes the process is still quite dramatic. We don’t want it to be, but in reality, it is. And until there comes a time where we have complete acceptance of the LGBTQ community, some feel that they have to ensure they are visible. That they can say, we’re here; we are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, pansexual, and whatever else. They still have to remind people that they exist.

The generation below us need to see that LBGT people are here, that LBGT people are visible, and most importantly that LGBT people are normal. They need to have someone to relate to, whether it’s a family friend or a famous Youtuber that they can identify with. With visibility comes the breaking of stereotypes, like the camp gay man and the big butch lesbian. It can only get better from here, but we have to be patient.

As much as we all want coming out to be a thing of the past, we need to respect that for some people it’s still a huge deal. Until it’s a thing of the past, the LGBTQ community will still feel the need to validate their sexuality. Because once upon a time, they had somebody they looked up to and thought, “He/she is just like me.” Maybe they want to help somebody too.

 

When now is just a bad time

The rain is pelting down against your bedroom window and you’re lying in bed, watching the last of the romantic comedies you’re yet to see on Netflix. It’s -10 degrees in your badly insulated, slightly damp student house but you don’t care. Why? Because you’re cuddled up with your latest beau, the one you’re hoping is your knight in shining armour. Unrealistic? Probably, but a girl can dream.badtiming3

It’s been a while now since you started seeing each other, and you’re starting to wonder where you stand. Is he seeing other girls? Does he like me as much as I like him? Does he want me to be his girlfriend? Well, the best way to get answers to your questions is to start by asking them. But sometimes these answers can leave more questions to be answered.

Some awkward, beating around the bush type questions are asked. What you’re really trying to say is, “Are you looking for a relationship?” Cue plenty of long pauses, awkward silences and there’s definitely a disappointed look on someone’s face. Eventually there’s an explanation as to why you’re not getting the response you’d expected, “Now is just a bad time.” Great, thanks for that one. But is there ever a good time?

badtiming2I feel like any time I’ve been in a relationship, it’s ended because of bad timing. Any time I’d consider getting serious with someone it’s always the same, the whole “Now is just a bad time” excuse yet again. When I was 15, it was bad timing because I was too young for something serious. When I was 17, it was bad timing because I had more important things to concentrate on, like my leaving cert. When I was 18, I was going into my first year of college and everyone told me it was silly to be tied down. And now? I’ll hopefully be heading to Manchester on Erasmus in September. And after that, well I’m God only knows where in the country for my work placement. After college I’ll want to travel or do something a little exciting with my life, and who’d want to be tied down for that? Am I ever going to have “time” for a relationship? How do people make time for these things? Teach me your ways, please.

When is the right time for a relationship? Because I’m pretty sure when you’re 26 or 27 and you’ve done majority of those fun things you’d always wanted to do, it’s a little late to start searching for your soulmate. Our parents and grandparents met each other at our age, yet now all we want to do in our late teens and early twenties is be single. Life is changing and there’s more and more emphasis being put on being a tough, independent and strong-minded person; there’s this perception that a relationship will eliminate that from your life. We’re being encouraged that while you’re young, you’re better off being alone.badtiming

But what if we keep turning people down because we’re too busy to commit? Mr or Mrs Right could be standing there on your doorstep and you’re like sorry kid, I want to visit Japan and there’s no room for you to come with me. My fear right now is that I’ll end up 35 years old, still single, and thinking about the one that got away when I was 21. The life of an overthinker, eh?

Anyways, the moral of the story is that I’m going to stop using “Now is just a bad time” as an excuse to end, or even just fail to continue something. Because I’m a big paranoid overthinker and I don’t want to miss out on something just because I was “busy”. Yep, I’ve certainly changed my tune compared to this time last year. But I guess if you like somebody enough, then timing shouldn’t be an issue anyways. Lets just hope that the man of my dreams isn’t too busy for me, wherever the hell he is.

Ghosting – When He Falls Off The Face of The Earth

You’ll never appreciate an ending until you don’t get one. I used to be one of those girls who got upset if the guy I liked, told me he didn’t like me. “It’s not that I don’t like you, I just don’t want to complicate things” and “Well, I don’t want a relationship if that’s what you mean” are two of those instances that instantly come to mind. But now I’d almost leap with joy at the fact that I’d received a little bit of honesty, and could move on with my life. Because anything’s better than being ghosted. ghosting1

Ghosting is when a guy falls off the face of the earth. Everything seems to be going well, heading towards a relationship even, and then BAM, three strikes and you’re out. He opens your snapchats and doesn’t reply. He ignores your texts. He goes out of his way to avoid you. Heuston, we have a problem here. Where did I go wrong?

First comes the “making up excuses” stage, where you’re still defending him a little. You reassure yourself that maybe he’s just busy with college work, or maybe his phone is broken. But that doesn’t last very long, and soon you start to blame yourself. When you’re given no reason, your imagination is free to make one up itself. Is it because I’m fat? Did I come off as too keen? Does he like somebody else?

ghosting2Although you don’t hear from them again, the door is never fully closed, and that’s the annoying part. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes an almighty hit. You spend ages moping around the house, constantly checking your phone in the hope that maybe they’ll make contact again. But no, unfortunately nothing, nada, zilch.

So why do guys do this? Well, after a horrible ghosting experience a couple of months ago, I decided to ask one of the guys. And his answer, the response we’ve all been waiting to hear? It’s because they’re scared, simple as. When a guy has seen a girl more than a handful of times, they know that there’s the possibility of it getting serious and progressing into something more. And that of course, can bring complications. Cue the fear of being tied down and losing their independence, and we have a ghost on our hands. Sometimes you get so worried about not getting your own heart broken, that you don’t really care whose you break along the wayghosting4.

Also, ending things can be kind of awkward. I mean, what do you even say? It’s hard to just be honest, we’re a generation that find it hard to express our feelings after all. Sometimes it’s easier to just ignore and hope they get the hint, even if it is kind of mean.

So what should you do if you’re being ghosted? Well, when somebody sees your messages and isn’t responding you should probably take the hint. But if you’re feeling ballsy, just ask them about it. It always helps to be honest (that’s the motto of this blog post, kids) and you never know, it might just fix things when you know where the other person stands. Has done for me once or twice.

ghosting3But if things don’t work out the way you want them to, there’s no point in getting hung up about it. Look at it this way, you’re just making room for the right person. Things can’t work out with everyone, after all. If you want to know something, just be upfront about it. It’s always better to know the truth.

 

Getting over him, when he wasn’t even yours in the first place

Getting over someone can be a pain in the ass. We don’t want to do it, but we know that we have to. We can’t just sit around and be sad about some guy for the rest of our lives/semester – time is ticking and those 12 weeks of college fly by pretty quickly. It’s pretty commonplace in college, you’ve been “casually” seeing someone (see what this entails here) for a little while and then it all goes downhill, rapidly, sort of like a landslide. Maybe he went off with someone else, maybe he told you he didn’t like you, or maybe he just flat out ghosted you. I’m going to put my passive aggression away for this post, I promise.  get3

Whatever happened, you need to realise that it’s over now, life goes on and there’s no point sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself. Ask yourself, will it matter in ten years? The answer will probably be no, and if that’s the case, here’s a guide to getting over a guy that was never really yours in the first place.

Step one is to realise that there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if he didn’t hit you up with the age old “It’s not you, it’s me” thing, take it into your own hands to apply it to the situation. Maybe he just didn’t want a relationship, or maybe you just weren’t his cup of tea. That can be a hard one to swallow, but do you fall in love with every guy you come into contact with? Yeah, it’s probably the same for him. We all have our preferences, and you should never change yourself for anybody.

Step two is to avoid being a hermit. Stop lurking around your room all alone for the dget4ay, it’s not helping anyone. You should probably change out of your pyjamas too. Get out there and do something, even putting on a bit of makeup is going to help you feel better about yourself. Personally, I like to head to the gym to blow off steam. Nothing like sweating out your frustrations on a treadmill while listening to Taylor Swift remixes. No, I’m not crying, I’m just sweating I swear.

Step three is to get back in the game. Whatever was going on between you two wasn’t serious, so you can thank God that you don’t have to endure the guessing game of when is considered appropriate to move on. Go out with your friends, drink tequila, throw some eyes across the dancefloor to guys that look attractive now but won’t the next day. “Why did you let me shift him?” is always a nice distraction topic with the housemates…

And step four is for when you’re out and about and have overindulged in the three Jagerbombs for a tenner deal. Delete his number, block him on snapchat, break your phone, cut off your hands, whatever. Just please God, do not contact him when you’re drunk. You’re only going to get a bad response, or even worse, no response at alget5l. Before you know it you’re stumbling home, reply-less phone in hand and banging down your door because you’ve lost your keys. When the door is eventually opened by your sleepy housemate you’ll be roaring “I HATE ALL MALES!” and storming up the stairs to ball your eyes out crying. All because he didn’t reply, because it’s 3am and he was probably asleep. Avoid the hassle, don’t text him.

Step five is to apply an inspirational quote to the situation. I’m a big fan of this one, and I like to use “What will be, will be” on the regular, an example being when I’ve ordered pizza for the third time in one week. Anyways, never a failure, always a lesson is a firm favourite of mine when it comes to this shit. Everything happens for a reason, learn from what went wrong this time. You’ll probably realise exactly what you don’t want from a guy in the future.

And finally, step six is to stick to your guns. It could be smugweeks or it could be months, but you never know when they might chance their luck with you again. If it didn’t work out the first time, there’s a reason. And I promise you, waking up feeling smug because you turned them down is better than the sea of regret you’ll be swimming in if you go back to them. Even if you change your mind by the end of the night, when you mutter “I think I want to shift John” under your breath and your housemate has to drag you home by your hair, you still managed to keep away and that’s the main thing. Go you!

So buck up and move on Princess, you’re going to have to go through a lot of frogs before you find your Prince. Why waste your college years crying about boys that don’t like you?

The Secret Life of a Commitmentphobe / Why Do I Need a Boyfriend?

I’m the girl who runs a mile at the very mention of the word feelings. I’m the girl who gets asked, “What happened with you and Jack?” and the response is always the same, “Well he told me he liked me”. I’m the girl who frunningreezes at the thought of settling down with someone. I, Michaela Deane, am a commitmentphobe.

But what’s so bad about that for now? I’m 19 years old, it’s hardly time for me to be thinking up baby names just yet. I was told going into my first year of college that I’d want, and probably need, to be free and single. So I broke up with my boyfriend, and there I had it, the single life. But it all takes a U-turn in second year when suddenly everyone’s like come on, settle down now, it’s time to find a boyfriend.

dontlikeBut why do I need to have a boyfriend so badly? And why is it so wrong for me not to want one at this current moment in time? I spent a good three years of my teenage years in relationships, so I think I’m entitled to a little alone time. People are shocked and appalled when I sigh at the mention of a potential relationship, but why is it such a big deal? This isn’t 1940, I don’t need a man hanging off my shoulder 24/7.

I’ve been lectured many a time about my unwillingness to get into a relationship. “You’re missing out on so many great opportunities” is always a popular argument. But if I’m willing to let these opportunities slide, then they can’t have been that great in the first place. If I’m letting things run their course and seeing where they go, perfect. If I find someone worth staying with, then I’ll stay with them. If my Prince Charming comes sauntering up to me in Crush some night, then that’s just fabulous, but I’m not on the lookout just yet.sigh

I’ve also been informed that people usually find their future husband in college. It’s a valid point, but I don’t think people realise that when I finish my degree I’ll only be 21. I have no plans of running off and getting married at 22, thanks very much. Maybe I’ll run off and travel to Australia, and find my future husband there instead. Who knows?

Reason #29 that I don’t want a relationship right now is quite simple – I want to focus on myself. It might sound stupid but my education is really important to me, and right now I have one aim and that’s doing the best that I can in college. Nothing wrong with being a bit of a nerd, for the time being anyways. I’m sure this phase won’t last very long.

feelzAnd as strange as it may seem, I do have feelings of some sort and like any girl, I don’t want them to get hurt. I spent a lot of my early teenage years being a dramatic, hormonal mess about boys and listening to lots of Taylor Swift. I do not want a repeat of that, especially now that I’m having the time of my life in college. I don’t want any boy related drama or disruptions, so it’s easier to steer clear. I’m a very sensitive creature deep down, I swear.

And to conclude, I swear I’m not a man hating extreme feminist. I have lots of friends who are lads, and I don’t see anything wrong with having a bit of fun. But a relationship would be too much for me right now, and it’s okay to want to be single.

I’ve definitely jinxed myself now and will end up getting in a relationship. But sure look, what will be will be.

Feelings – I’m Not Doing It

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. It all seems like a bit of an ongoing struggle, doesn’t it? We’re constantly wondering if the boy we like, likes us back. It can be a head wrecking few weeks of “Why won’t he tfeelings2ext me back?” and “Why did he like her photo on Facebook?” and frankly, I find it a bit exhausting. Which is why I don’t bother with it anymore. I’ve developed a bit of an ice queen aura, and for the time being it’s working quite well for me.

Your first year of college (or your second year of college, as I have found) isn’t exactly an ideal time to let your feelings for people flourish. College is all about being young and wild and free, and the last thing you want is a relationship tying you down. When you get into a relationship with someone, you end up either breaking up with them or marrying them, and the possibility of either of these options are equally as scary to me. When you catch the feels, it’s usually pretty hard to get them to piss off. But as the old saying goes, prevention is better than cure, and avoiding this whole “feeling” craic in the first place can actually be pretty simple.

“I’m not going to get fefeelings4elings for him”
Go into it with your walls up and stick to your guns, just keep telling yourself that you’re not going to get feelings for this person. If you have this set in your mind from the start it’s easier to stick to, rather than deciding half way through when you’re already pretty fond of this guy or girl. If you feel yourself slipping up, take a little time to remind yourself of all the reasons that you don’t want to be with this person. A personal favourite of mine is, “I could definitely see myself throwing something at him in a nightclub”.

“I’m not coming over”feelings3

Avoid spending too much time with this person. Space it out, and do other things you enjoy before meeting up with them. The more time you spend with someone, the more you begin to like them, and that’s not our aim here. Leaving gaps between meeting up gives you the opportunity to meet other people to focus your attention on, which is a win-win situation really. It’s all about balance… Balancing your feelings between multiple people and having each one wonder why you’re so heartless and cold. No, I’m joking. Just don’t get attached. feelings5

“I’m not gonna text him”

This is just as bad, if not worse, than spending too much time together. When we’re hiding behind a phone screen we feel ballsy and brave, and we’re not afraid to say what we really think. Hence the “I actually really like you” text, followed by some seriously disheartening I-don’t-want-to-complicate-things type reply. So why botfeelings6her? Over the phone you can easily wear your heart on your sleeve and feelings are poured out here, there and everywhere. So just don’t bother with it in the first place.

“I’m not looking at his Facebook page”
We all do it, I know, but try not to. It may seem like a harmless bit of nosing around but next thing you know, you’re on the page of Joanna from Louth who’s studying English and History in UCD and wondering why the hell he keeps liking all her profile pictures. Who IS she? Where did he FIND her? And his ex-girlfriend… You’ll be sending your bestie screenshots of her for reassurance that you’re prettier than her, mark my words.

“I’m not telling him anything about me”

He does not need to know your life story. He doesn’t need to know why feelings7you and your ex broke up, or your parents’ names, or that you’re allergic to mustard. If you start telling him everything that’s happened to you since the age of five, you’ll find more and more things that you have in common. This leads to more communication, which leads to the “F” word. It’s nice to know their interests, but don’t get into it too much. Work on that mysterious streak.feelings8

“I’m not cuddling him”
Probably the most vital rule of all, this one is a must. Affection is wrong in so many ways when it comes to avoiding feelings. Getting close to someone physically means getting close to them emotionally, which is exactly what you don’t want. Don’t do it, it’s not worth it.

I’ll finish this post with a quote from the original ice queen, the one and only Effy Stonem – “The best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don’t have one.” Have fun feeling absolutely nothing towards anyone little chickens.

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