Donuts heal broken hearts

This time last week, I was preparing to have a conversation I didn’t think I’d be having so soon, with a person I did not want to have that conversation with. I was so drained of energy and emotion, that I did not think it was possible to cry anymore; I was wrong. I didn’t think it was possible to feel any more crushed than I already did. Again, after that conversation, I learned that I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.

Break ups are difficult, and no matter how hard you search, you won’t always get the answers to your questions. It can make getting closure a never ending task, because without those answers you always wonder where it went wrong. We’re always seeking closure.

That night I went out, and in true post break up fashion, I got drunk. And I cried, hysterically. I cried so hard that I had a physical pain in my chest. I balled my eyes out to the point where I couldn’t keep my upper body upright. This wasn’t because I was drunk though, I was just tired. So tired. This had happened a few times in the week beforehand, where I was so drained that my body just collapsed into my lap as I sobbed. I didn’t have the strength for this.

My friends brought me home. They hugged me and they listened to me, and they reassured me that I’d be okay. They took care of me. All my friends had been taking such good care of me. I realised the next day that while they were doing this, I needed to take care of myself. You can have twenty people picking you up when you fall down, but you have to be willing to pick up the extra pieces yourself. You have to be willing to get on with your life.

When you’re going through a break up, it can be easy to just wallow in your own self-pity. To stay in bed for three days straight and listen to sad songs and think that the world is ending and your life is over and you’ll never be happy again. Maybe the last bit is an over-exaggeration, but you get what I mean. It’s okay to feel shitty to a certain extent and we all need time to cry, but you have to stop at some point. The world keeps spinning and life doesn’t stop for anyone.

That same evening I was sitting on the cold, dirty floor on a wet evening, waiting on my bus to the airport. The rain was hitting off my skin and I hoped that every sudden drop would shock me and jolt some kind of energy into me. It didn’t happen, but it made me realise something.

I wasn’t going to feel better by sitting around and waiting for happiness to be handed to me on a silver platter. There was only so much moping around I could do before I was going to get used to it, to get comfortable with it, to think that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I made a conscious decision that day that I was going to try, to really, really try, to feel better.

Going home and visiting my friends was the first step, but I knew I wasn’t going to feel on top of the world again overnight. The next day, I didn’t cry. Or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that. I’ll admit it, yesterday I did get a little upset. But I cried for a few minutes, and I pulled myself together and I felt a little better. This is what it’s about, feeling that tiny bit better every day and knowing that you can get through this.

I went to visit one of my best friends in London. I went to a job interview. I ate donuts, plenty of donuts, because donuts heal broken hearts. I surrounded myself with positive people, and I left the house; even when I didn’t want to. I haven’t drank any rosé yet but I’m planning on it. I started to read a new book. I made myself healthy dinners. I wrote more. I bought a new purple, glittery lipstick. I started watching a new TV series. I made an attempt at my assignments, and I didn’t get much done, but I tried and that’s the main thing.

As each day goes by, I’m feeling that small bit better. My life has changed a lot in the last year, and now I’m free to be the person that I’ve always wanted to be. Yes, this is an ending, and endings are always horrible. But it’s also a chapter with a new beginning.

I was wrong about a lot of things, in that a week ago I said I couldn’t do this.

Keep doing the little things that make you happy, and you’re going to be okay.

And remember; donuts heal broken hearts.

pinkdonut

Ghosting – When He Falls Off The Face of The Earth

You’ll never appreciate an ending until you don’t get one. I used to be one of those girls who got upset if the guy I liked, told me he didn’t like me. “It’s not that I don’t like you, I just don’t want to complicate things” and “Well, I don’t want a relationship if that’s what you mean” are two of those instances that instantly come to mind. But now I’d almost leap with joy at the fact that I’d received a little bit of honesty, and could move on with my life. Because anything’s better than being ghosted. ghosting1

Ghosting is when a guy falls off the face of the earth. Everything seems to be going well, heading towards a relationship even, and then BAM, three strikes and you’re out. He opens your snapchats and doesn’t reply. He ignores your texts. He goes out of his way to avoid you. Heuston, we have a problem here. Where did I go wrong?

First comes the “making up excuses” stage, where you’re still defending him a little. You reassure yourself that maybe he’s just busy with college work, or maybe his phone is broken. But that doesn’t last very long, and soon you start to blame yourself. When you’re given no reason, your imagination is free to make one up itself. Is it because I’m fat? Did I come off as too keen? Does he like somebody else?

ghosting2Although you don’t hear from them again, the door is never fully closed, and that’s the annoying part. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes an almighty hit. You spend ages moping around the house, constantly checking your phone in the hope that maybe they’ll make contact again. But no, unfortunately nothing, nada, zilch.

So why do guys do this? Well, after a horrible ghosting experience a couple of months ago, I decided to ask one of the guys. And his answer, the response we’ve all been waiting to hear? It’s because they’re scared, simple as. When a guy has seen a girl more than a handful of times, they know that there’s the possibility of it getting serious and progressing into something more. And that of course, can bring complications. Cue the fear of being tied down and losing their independence, and we have a ghost on our hands. Sometimes you get so worried about not getting your own heart broken, that you don’t really care whose you break along the wayghosting4.

Also, ending things can be kind of awkward. I mean, what do you even say? It’s hard to just be honest, we’re a generation that find it hard to express our feelings after all. Sometimes it’s easier to just ignore and hope they get the hint, even if it is kind of mean.

So what should you do if you’re being ghosted? Well, when somebody sees your messages and isn’t responding you should probably take the hint. But if you’re feeling ballsy, just ask them about it. It always helps to be honest (that’s the motto of this blog post, kids) and you never know, it might just fix things when you know where the other person stands. Has done for me once or twice.

ghosting3But if things don’t work out the way you want them to, there’s no point in getting hung up about it. Look at it this way, you’re just making room for the right person. Things can’t work out with everyone, after all. If you want to know something, just be upfront about it. It’s always better to know the truth.

 

Getting over him, when he wasn’t even yours in the first place

Getting over someone can be a pain in the ass. We don’t want to do it, but we know that we have to. We can’t just sit around and be sad about some guy for the rest of our lives/semester – time is ticking and those 12 weeks of college fly by pretty quickly. It’s pretty commonplace in college, you’ve been “casually” seeing someone (see what this entails here) for a little while and then it all goes downhill, rapidly, sort of like a landslide. Maybe he went off with someone else, maybe he told you he didn’t like you, or maybe he just flat out ghosted you. I’m going to put my passive aggression away for this post, I promise.  get3

Whatever happened, you need to realise that it’s over now, life goes on and there’s no point sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself. Ask yourself, will it matter in ten years? The answer will probably be no, and if that’s the case, here’s a guide to getting over a guy that was never really yours in the first place.

Step one is to realise that there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if he didn’t hit you up with the age old “It’s not you, it’s me” thing, take it into your own hands to apply it to the situation. Maybe he just didn’t want a relationship, or maybe you just weren’t his cup of tea. That can be a hard one to swallow, but do you fall in love with every guy you come into contact with? Yeah, it’s probably the same for him. We all have our preferences, and you should never change yourself for anybody.

Step two is to avoid being a hermit. Stop lurking around your room all alone for the dget4ay, it’s not helping anyone. You should probably change out of your pyjamas too. Get out there and do something, even putting on a bit of makeup is going to help you feel better about yourself. Personally, I like to head to the gym to blow off steam. Nothing like sweating out your frustrations on a treadmill while listening to Taylor Swift remixes. No, I’m not crying, I’m just sweating I swear.

Step three is to get back in the game. Whatever was going on between you two wasn’t serious, so you can thank God that you don’t have to endure the guessing game of when is considered appropriate to move on. Go out with your friends, drink tequila, throw some eyes across the dancefloor to guys that look attractive now but won’t the next day. “Why did you let me shift him?” is always a nice distraction topic with the housemates…

And step four is for when you’re out and about and have overindulged in the three Jagerbombs for a tenner deal. Delete his number, block him on snapchat, break your phone, cut off your hands, whatever. Just please God, do not contact him when you’re drunk. You’re only going to get a bad response, or even worse, no response at alget5l. Before you know it you’re stumbling home, reply-less phone in hand and banging down your door because you’ve lost your keys. When the door is eventually opened by your sleepy housemate you’ll be roaring “I HATE ALL MALES!” and storming up the stairs to ball your eyes out crying. All because he didn’t reply, because it’s 3am and he was probably asleep. Avoid the hassle, don’t text him.

Step five is to apply an inspirational quote to the situation. I’m a big fan of this one, and I like to use “What will be, will be” on the regular, an example being when I’ve ordered pizza for the third time in one week. Anyways, never a failure, always a lesson is a firm favourite of mine when it comes to this shit. Everything happens for a reason, learn from what went wrong this time. You’ll probably realise exactly what you don’t want from a guy in the future.

And finally, step six is to stick to your guns. It could be smugweeks or it could be months, but you never know when they might chance their luck with you again. If it didn’t work out the first time, there’s a reason. And I promise you, waking up feeling smug because you turned them down is better than the sea of regret you’ll be swimming in if you go back to them. Even if you change your mind by the end of the night, when you mutter “I think I want to shift John” under your breath and your housemate has to drag you home by your hair, you still managed to keep away and that’s the main thing. Go you!

So buck up and move on Princess, you’re going to have to go through a lot of frogs before you find your Prince. Why waste your college years crying about boys that don’t like you?

The Secret Life of a Commitmentphobe / Why Do I Need a Boyfriend?

I’m the girl who runs a mile at the very mention of the word feelings. I’m the girl who gets asked, “What happened with you and Jack?” and the response is always the same, “Well he told me he liked me”. I’m the girl who frunningreezes at the thought of settling down with someone. I, Michaela Deane, am a commitmentphobe.

But what’s so bad about that for now? I’m 19 years old, it’s hardly time for me to be thinking up baby names just yet. I was told going into my first year of college that I’d want, and probably need, to be free and single. So I broke up with my boyfriend, and there I had it, the single life. But it all takes a U-turn in second year when suddenly everyone’s like come on, settle down now, it’s time to find a boyfriend.

dontlikeBut why do I need to have a boyfriend so badly? And why is it so wrong for me not to want one at this current moment in time? I spent a good three years of my teenage years in relationships, so I think I’m entitled to a little alone time. People are shocked and appalled when I sigh at the mention of a potential relationship, but why is it such a big deal? This isn’t 1940, I don’t need a man hanging off my shoulder 24/7.

I’ve been lectured many a time about my unwillingness to get into a relationship. “You’re missing out on so many great opportunities” is always a popular argument. But if I’m willing to let these opportunities slide, then they can’t have been that great in the first place. If I’m letting things run their course and seeing where they go, perfect. If I find someone worth staying with, then I’ll stay with them. If my Prince Charming comes sauntering up to me in Crush some night, then that’s just fabulous, but I’m not on the lookout just yet.sigh

I’ve also been informed that people usually find their future husband in college. It’s a valid point, but I don’t think people realise that when I finish my degree I’ll only be 21. I have no plans of running off and getting married at 22, thanks very much. Maybe I’ll run off and travel to Australia, and find my future husband there instead. Who knows?

Reason #29 that I don’t want a relationship right now is quite simple – I want to focus on myself. It might sound stupid but my education is really important to me, and right now I have one aim and that’s doing the best that I can in college. Nothing wrong with being a bit of a nerd, for the time being anyways. I’m sure this phase won’t last very long.

feelzAnd as strange as it may seem, I do have feelings of some sort and like any girl, I don’t want them to get hurt. I spent a lot of my early teenage years being a dramatic, hormonal mess about boys and listening to lots of Taylor Swift. I do not want a repeat of that, especially now that I’m having the time of my life in college. I don’t want any boy related drama or disruptions, so it’s easier to steer clear. I’m a very sensitive creature deep down, I swear.

And to conclude, I swear I’m not a man hating extreme feminist. I have lots of friends who are lads, and I don’t see anything wrong with having a bit of fun. But a relationship would be too much for me right now, and it’s okay to want to be single.

I’ve definitely jinxed myself now and will end up getting in a relationship. But sure look, what will be will be.

The Cycle of Wanting What You Can’t Have

When we were kids and we were told that we couldn’t have a Play Station game because it wasn’t suitable, it just made us want it more. When we were teenagers and we were told that we couldn’t drink alcohol because we were too young, it just made us want it more. You know another thing that we want, simply because we can’t have it? Boys – just another type of forbidden fruit for us to lust over. like

I have an obsession with wanting what I cannot have, a lot of girls do. There could be a guy in our lives, just sitting on the side line for months and months on end but as soon as he decides to wander elsewhere we’re like “What the hell? Get back here.” As soon as I can’t have them, I want them. As soon as they start to treat me badly, I’m suddenly interested in them. Frankly, this is very annoying.

All of a sudden, you begin to see their potential and you start to like them, and it all becomes one big guessing game. Why don’t they like me? What’s wrong with me? Why is he ignoring me? You start overanalysing absolutely everything under the sun; whether you’re convinced he likes you back because he always sends you Snapchat’s first or you’re pissed off because he was just tagged in a photo with some girl on Facebook. Who IS she? But of course you can’t act like this publicly for fear of being compared to something from a Cian Twomey video.

idiotAnd the four other nice guys who actually DO want you and would probably make perfect boyfriends? Nah, you don’t want them. That would be too simple, wouldn’t it? There’s nothing better than a good old chase and unless it feels like a prize that you’ve earned, it’s not worth the effort. You can have these guys whenever you want, and you don’t have to do any chasing, so why should you care? Unless they decide they don’t want you anymore of course…

The most annoying part about liking someone that you can’t have? Not being able to tell them. Nobody wants to deal with the embarrassment of telling somebody that they like them, only to get a response of “uhm”. Once upon a time when I told a guy that I liked them, he told me that the feelings weren’t mutual, and I swear to God I’ll never do it again. I wish I had the nerve to bite the bullet and just do it, but I’m a baby, so I’m gonna stay hush hush. You shut up and put up for fear that he won’t feel the same, you’ll scare him away, or fall into the category of the girl he can have whenever.

Why does liking someone have to be a never-ending cycle for me? I treat the ones who like me like crap, and let myself be treated like crap by the ones that I like. Somebody tell me that this ends at some point, please? Will I ever grow up and start liking the stereotypical “nice guy”? effy11

As I explained in my blog post Nice Guys Always Finish Last, we always want to be the girl that changed the bad guy. But is it possible, or do we have to wait for them to change themselves? At least with me, I can pick myself up pretty easily. I know that I can’t make anyone like me, and that there’s plenty more fish in the sea. Whether I’ll be smart about my future choices of fish, I don’t know. You live and you learn, and you eventually get over it.

Actually you know what? I’ll probably never be reasonable with my choices. I’m as confused as I was when I started this post. I hate being a teenage girl. Rant over.

“Nice Guys Always Finish Last”

We grow up imagining and wishing that our lives could be like the movies; the perfect friends, the perfect life, the perfect guy. But when you think about it, it’s never really straight forward in the movies, is it? I’ve never once seen a movie where it’s all plain sailing, I mean that would be boring. The girl never meets the guy of her dreams and from the very beginning it’s all perfection. There’s usually a chase, some crazy things will happen and there’s probably another girl involved. But the star of the movie always comes out on top, and I guess that’s why girls always go for bad guys. We want to be the good girl who changed the bad guy. We want to be the star of the movie too.nice guy 1

Let me start this by stating that I have nothing against nice guys. You’re wonderful, but sometimes wonderful just isn’t what a girl wants. For something to be straight forward and handed to you is just plain boring, as with all things in life. If we have to work hard for months on end to buy ourselves a new car, do we appreciate it? Hell yeah we do! But what about when our parents just hand it to us? We don’t appreciate it anywhere near as much as we should, because it was easy. Unless we have to fight for something, it’s usually pretty difficult to respect and value it as much as we should.nice guy 3

Back to the movie comparison, movies are always crazy, right? And that’s what girls desire in their lives. We want passion, fire, we want mad things to happen. You can’t have that if everything is just handed on a plate to you. In the movies there’s always obstacles to overcome, there’s always a chase. And although that chase might tear you down and completely exhaust you, it seems to be worth it in the end. It’s not like being with the “nice guy”, where things are always mediocre. With a bad boy, things are either really good, or really, really bad, so the thrill you get when things are going smoothly seems to make it all worth it. Because you experience the lows, you appreciate the highs so much more.nice guy 4

A lot of the time we’re told to go for the nice guy because you’ll never get a long-term relationship out of a fling with a bad boy. And while this is mostly true, subconsciously this can be what a girl is looking for. For girls like myself who are serious commitment phobes, it’s sometimes easier to go for the bad guy because you know that it won’t last. You know you’re going to get hurt, so you’re somewhat prepared for it. This eliminates the possibility of staying with a guy for a long time, only to have your heart broken in the end. Also, if a girl has been hurt before, sometimes she has a “too good to be true” mentality with nice guys. Although we may not want to, after a messy breakup it’s all too easy to think that all guys are the same. It’s easier to just go with the bad guy, so that you know what you’re letting yourself in for.

There’s a certain sense of mystery that comes with bad guys. You’re always thinking, “Why doesn’t he like me?” and “What am I doing wrong?” Yes I’m aware that it’s not exactly healthy, but it sure does keep us on our toes. It keeps us interested, and makes us more attentive of everything. Similar routine of a guy will hit the snooze button on in a woman’s head, and we fall for men who are a bit of a challenge. We all love a challenge, right? Maybe we should take a look at the word “challenge”… Challenges, by nature, are difficult. If a challenge isn’t challenging, then it isn’t a very good challenge to begin with (I just used that word like ten times and I’m really sorry, but you get my point). By making your relationship a challenge, you are literally making it difficult to be with a person. You are creating space between you and the prize. Weird, isn’t it? Apparently, that’s what we want.nice guys 2

Whether you want to admit it or not, everybody loves a bit of drama. Without it, life would be boring, I mean what would you cry about when you’re drunk if there was no upheaval with guys in your life? We crave excitement, and sometimes nice guys just don’t give you that. As I said, when things are going mediocre all the time we never really appreciate it, because we haven’t experienced any bad patches. This can make it all a little boring, which nobody wants to experience.

We’re always told that you never settle with a bad guy, and while that’s true, I think it’s important that we understand why. A women will never settle with a bad guy because they grow out of it. At some point in their lives, like women, men decide that they want to settle down and find a wife, start a family. They’re aware that they can’t do this if they keep messing around with women’s emotions. And more often than not, they change because they’ve met the right girl, and want to stay with her. So that’s what us women are striving for, we want to tame the bad guy. Unfortunately, this can mean that the nice guys get left to the side, which proves the saying “nice guys always finish last”. Because we want to be the good girl who changed the bad guy. We want to be the star of the movie too.