August 30th, 2017
Next month will be a year since I came out.
A year and a half since I came out to myself, to some of my closest friends.
A year since a relationship that taught me so much about myself, so much that I thought I’d die without figuring out.
It had never seemed clear before.
I never thought I’d allow myself to get to this place.
A year since I first experienced what it really felt like, to be so full of appreciation for someone, for the life I’d chosen to live, that I was blissfully unaware of the rest of the world.
I chose this life.
It was me.
I did it myself.
I decided that my life had to change.
I decided that I had to put my happiness first.
In doing that I risked everything; my stable yet unfulfilling life was turning upside down, rattling.
An aura of self-confidence surrounds my every move now,
Because one year ago my confidence was all I could rely on.
The harsh reality that you might lose the ones you love does that to you, creates this shield.
Some may try to knock you down and you have to be sure of yourself,
And if they walk away you need someone. And that someone, sometimes all you have, is you.
Throughout it all I was glad I had a hand to hold,
I thought I’d continue to watch this link unfold,
But it stopped. I didn’t expect it to stop.
And I thought I would stop too, but I didn’t.
This was the moment I’d anticipated, but not when I’d expected it.
Sometimes all you have, is you.
But that’s life.
The world keeps spinning and life doesn’t stop for anyone.
I had to learn to appreciate it.
When you experience the highs, sometimes you have to face the lows.
And I’m grateful for that.
If I didn’t experience the ups and the downs of coming out,
Then where would I be?
Sitting at the bottom of my bed, asking myself again,
“What do you feel?”
I don’t look back on my journey with sadness,
I’m fucking proud of myself.
Of the person that I’ve become,
Finally able to say that I’m gay and smiling,
Not curled up in a ball in my bed, through choked up tears and a pounding head and a pain in my heart because I can’t face my life in this lie that I’m living.
It still feels surreal.
Almost one year on, and a lot has changed.
Acceptance has come my way,
Slowly but at the same time, faster than I had ever imagined.
To hear that one of my favourite people said,
“Promise me one thing; that you’ll never turn your back on her.”
When they were who I most feared would turn their back on me,
Well it makes everything worthwhile.
I’ll always be grateful for the life I have now,
That I fought so hard for.
I will always appreciate my journey.