When Feelings Made Me Crazy

So a couple of months ago I found myself in the worst position I could ever possibly be in – I actually liked someone. And it wasn’t the usual asshole that I’d find myself falling for either, he was a pretty nice guy. Yep, I fell for a nice guy. Anyways, back to the point. He was somebody I could have never seen myself with and not to mention the fact that this all happened very fucking randomly. So what happened? feelings1

I messed it up. With my constant overthinking and overanalysing and fretting about everything, I messed it up. People ask, “Did he like you?” Sure I dunno, and I never will know, because letting my feelings run wild got the better of me and I chickened out of whatever the hell we were doing. Nothing bad even happened, as I said, he wasn’t a dickhead. I think at one point he did one small, minor thing that made me think “Uh oh, what if he isn’t as genuine as he seems?” and I was like lol ok bye.

xFor someone who isn’t quick to develop feelings for anyone, this was a huge step in the opposite direction for me. A huge step that I had absolutely no idea how to handle, because this all happened so out of the blue. So what was going on? Well, being left vulnerable to getting hurt and dealing with these feelings drove me mad. I felt like I was going a bit crazy to be honest. I was overthinking everything and constantly worrying about messing things up, thanks anxiety. My moods were disastrous.

I just turned into a raging antichrist. If he didn’t text back I’d be such a moody cow. If he was online and didn’t reply? Well I was ready to take to the bed for the rest of the day. I’d be like “Right, fuck him so if he doesn’t want to talk to me” and what would happen? He’d reply in the next five minutes and I’d be happy as Larry again. But why is it always me texting first? Surely if he liked me he’d text me first? Oh never mind he text me first.

I got into this awful habit of questioning absolutely everything. But what does he MEAN? I’d read his texts twenty times over before finally coming up with a suitable reply. He’d leave me a sighkissy face and I’d be reeling. He’d kiss me goodbye and I’d fucking lose the plot altogether. I was always asking myself why is he doing this, why is he doing that and what does he mean by it and to be honest, it was exhausting.

I was constantly wondering if he liked me too, constantly, constantly, constantly. But myself and the girls were trying to figure it out, and how do you even know if a fella likes you? Are there secret signs we don’t know about? Anyways for the mean time please stop holding my face when you’re kissing me, it’s fucking confusing me. I was always afraid of being too clingy, and thought that even if he liked me I was just going to put him off. It had gotten to the stage where I couldn’t even relax and be myself.

It was when the drunk texxxxting started, and abruptly ended, that I realised I was in too deep and needed to stop it. Luckily, I hadn’t said anything bad because I’d conked before the poor fella had the chance to reply, and thank God. That’s what scares me, the fear of the unknown. Like God only knows what I’d have said to him if he’d been awake. The cat would be out of the bag anyways.

What’s annoying is that I did everything backwards, like I do with all things in my life. It happened out of the blue when I had absolutely NO intentions of getting into a relationship, and I then realised “Oh shit, maybe I do want a relationship”. Yep, talk about eating my words. Brilliant.

So basically, my emotions were all over the place and I just had to call a halt to the whole thing. Maybe he liked me, maybe he didn’t. I’ll never know because I couldn’t just let things be the way they were, I had to go and overthink everything. So, what did I learn from it? I just have no idea how to deal with liking someone at the moment, it’s exhausting. Maybe I’ll try again in fourth year.

xx

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