Feelings – I’m Not Doing It

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. It all seems like a bit of an ongoing struggle, doesn’t it? We’re constantly wondering if the boy we like, likes us back. It can be a head wrecking few weeks of “Why won’t he tfeelings2ext me back?” and “Why did he like her photo on Facebook?” and frankly, I find it a bit exhausting. Which is why I don’t bother with it anymore. I’ve developed a bit of an ice queen aura, and for the time being it’s working quite well for me.

Your first year of college (or your second year of college, as I have found) isn’t exactly an ideal time to let your feelings for people flourish. College is all about being young and wild and free, and the last thing you want is a relationship tying you down. When you get into a relationship with someone, you end up either breaking up with them or marrying them, and the possibility of either of these options are equally as scary to me. When you catch the feels, it’s usually pretty hard to get them to piss off. But as the old saying goes, prevention is better than cure, and avoiding this whole “feeling” craic in the first place can actually be pretty simple.

“I’m not going to get fefeelings4elings for him”
Go into it with your walls up and stick to your guns, just keep telling yourself that you’re not going to get feelings for this person. If you have this set in your mind from the start it’s easier to stick to, rather than deciding half way through when you’re already pretty fond of this guy or girl. If you feel yourself slipping up, take a little time to remind yourself of all the reasons that you don’t want to be with this person. A personal favourite of mine is, “I could definitely see myself throwing something at him in a nightclub”.

“I’m not coming over”feelings3

Avoid spending too much time with this person. Space it out, and do other things you enjoy before meeting up with them. The more time you spend with someone, the more you begin to like them, and that’s not our aim here. Leaving gaps between meeting up gives you the opportunity to meet other people to focus your attention on, which is a win-win situation really. It’s all about balance… Balancing your feelings between multiple people and having each one wonder why you’re so heartless and cold. No, I’m joking. Just don’t get attached. feelings5

“I’m not gonna text him”

This is just as bad, if not worse, than spending too much time together. When we’re hiding behind a phone screen we feel ballsy and brave, and we’re not afraid to say what we really think. Hence the “I actually really like you” text, followed by some seriously disheartening I-don’t-want-to-complicate-things type reply. So why botfeelings6her? Over the phone you can easily wear your heart on your sleeve and feelings are poured out here, there and everywhere. So just don’t bother with it in the first place.

“I’m not looking at his Facebook page”
We all do it, I know, but try not to. It may seem like a harmless bit of nosing around but next thing you know, you’re on the page of Joanna from Louth who’s studying English and History in UCD and wondering why the hell he keeps liking all her profile pictures. Who IS she? Where did he FIND her? And his ex-girlfriend… You’ll be sending your bestie screenshots of her for reassurance that you’re prettier than her, mark my words.

“I’m not telling him anything about me”

He does not need to know your life story. He doesn’t need to know why feelings7you and your ex broke up, or your parents’ names, or that you’re allergic to mustard. If you start telling him everything that’s happened to you since the age of five, you’ll find more and more things that you have in common. This leads to more communication, which leads to the “F” word. It’s nice to know their interests, but don’t get into it too much. Work on that mysterious streak.feelings8

“I’m not cuddling him”
Probably the most vital rule of all, this one is a must. Affection is wrong in so many ways when it comes to avoiding feelings. Getting close to someone physically means getting close to them emotionally, which is exactly what you don’t want. Don’t do it, it’s not worth it.

I’ll finish this post with a quote from the original ice queen, the one and only Effy Stonem – “The best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don’t have one.” Have fun feeling absolutely nothing towards anyone little chickens.

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I’ll Be Okay

September has finally hit us, and it’s back to college for everyone. Excited? Of course you are, sure we all are. Most of us have spent the whole summer working, half way across the country from the people we can now call our second family. The thought of getting back to the craziness of college life is something that puts a smile on all of our faces. But for me, college life brings other things with it. It should feel like it’s all fun and games, but it doesn’t.

The last few nights, I’ve ended up crying myself to sleep. Why? The “A” word of course. Back with a bang is my anxiety, riled up and ready to try and ruin college for me again. What am I worried about? Pretty much everything, if I’m honest. But I’ve decided that I’m not going to let one little thing ruin college for me again. Last semester, I let myself get so bad that I was barely leaving my room. But this time, I’ll be okay.

I was going to write a blog post about why anxiety is ruining my life, and whine and complain and cry and whatever else. But I’ve decided to make this into a more positive post, on why things are going to be so much better this year. I’m putting pen to paper here about why my worries are irrational, which will be a big help in just getting it all out of my head. It’s a new semester, a different semester, and I have the power to make the most of it.

Last semester, I felt really, mh1really alone. I spent a lot of time in my room by myself, and it was hard to find the energy to go out and see my friends. This year, I’m living with my friends, and with the constant laughter and music blaring, there’s no possible way I could feel alone. When I feel like shit, all I have to do is take a couple of steps and I’m in one of their rooms, and things will immediately feel a little better. And my other friends? Conveniently we’re all in the same neighbourhood, so nobody’s more than a five minute walk away.

My major worry for this semester is that I’ll gain back all the weight that I’ve lost. It took absolutely ages and it’s only now that I’m starting to feel okay again, and I don’t want to mess it all up. But now that I live in a house where the kitchen isn’t covered in mould, I can actually cook. That means no more takeaways, and with the gym less than a ten minute walk away, I’d be an idiot to give up my exercising routine. Also the fact that college is a trek of a walk from my house probably won’t allow for much weight gain either. The Chinese across from our house could be a bit of a problem though.

Because I’ve made some really good friends, I don’t have to worry about having panic attacks when I go out. They’re not the kind of people that would leave me outside, alone, in the rain.. And although I feel like such an inconvenience when I have to go home, I know they won’t end up hating me for it. They know it’s not something I can control, and just knowing that makes me a little less anxious when I go out, because I know that they understand.

Failing was a big fear for me last semester. It was hard to motivate myself to do anything, and I felt like there was nothing that I enjoyed anymore. Making myself go to lectures was tough, but if I passed last semester with flying colours, I’m pretty sure I can do anything. My interest in writing is back, and the fact that three out of four of my housemates are in the same course as me means we can drag each other along to lectures. Or convince each other not to go, depends on the day I guess.

I’m not letting my mental health prevent me from enjoying college this year, and acknowledging my fears and realising that they’re irrational was the first step in doing that. This year is different in so many ways, and now is my chance to change things. I’m going to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, and make the best out of my time in UL. I’ll be okay.

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