Right now you’re probably saying, “Blame it on the other girl” syndrome – what the hell is that? It’s something all girls have experienced, whether you’re the one hurling abuse or having it hurled at you, it’s just never had a name before. “Blame it on the other girl” syndrome is when a boyfriend or ex hurts your feelings by cheating on you, getting with another girl etc. and you flip out at the girl instead of targeting your anger on the person that deserves it, the boy. This blog post will take you step-by-step into why us girls feel the need to do this, and why we need to stop.
My inspiration for this post came from a “blame it on the other girl” incident I had on the other day. I was the “other girl” in question here, but I hadn’t done anything wrong. To condense it down, I’d been speaking to a guy, and had a cruel comment hurled my way because of issues which had arisen from us speaking. It’s nothing major or drastic, but it got me thinking about this whole “blame it on the other girl” thing a little more. It was a negative experience for me, but I think we can all take something positive from it.
So why does this happen? Why is it that when the boy we like or love does something to hurt us, we take it out on the other girl involved? Why can’t we just be sensible and blame the boy, why don’t our brains work that way? It’s not right to blame the other girl, but I’ve broken down exactly why we do it, so that hopefully you can learn to stop.
In the case of cheating, there’s often a sense of denial: “No, no, my boyfriend can’t have done this, she must have made the first move and led him on.” It’s easier to pretend that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship than it is to acknowledge that there’s problems, but you still have to direct your built up anger somewhere. That’s where the other girl comes in, you direct your pain and frustration towards her instead of towards your unhealthy relationship.
Your boyfriend might be a cheater, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want them anymore. You can’t just snap your fingers and stop loving someone, sometimes it seems pretty much impossible. When he cheats, you’re left in a state of insecurity, and feel like you have to fight off your competition. This is where spats with “the other girl” comes in, as a warning – he’s mine and you need to keep away. You don’t want to lose him, and although you constantly think “Is she prettier than me? Smarter? Funnier?” you also pick at her flaws, and let them know that you can see them as clear as day. Anything to get her back for the pain she single-handedly (not) has caused you.
Another reason that girls target “the other girl” is because it’s easier to confront a woman. She means nothing to you, so you can be as cruel and ruthless as you want to be without the worry of them getting up and leaving you for good.
Before I go any further, I’d like to reiterate that acting this way is not okay. It’s wrong on so many levels, but we’re all guilty of doing it to one extreme or the next. Whether it’s something as simple as saying “sure look at the state of her!” in private to one of your friends, or full on harassment, we’ve all subconsciously done it at one point or another in our lives. But it’s never too late to stop.
So now that you know why you automatically blame the other girl, you can make steps to prevent yourself from doing it in the future, by realising just a couple of things.
He is the one in the relationship, not the other girl. It’s not her fault, she’s not the one that’s committed to you one minute and jumping into bed with another girl the next. Unless it’s your mother, sister, cousin or best friend, you need to reign yourself back and pipe down. She doesn’t need to be abused just for going about her life as normal.
He might not have even told her about you. We all know that some (not all) guys can be sleazy, they’ll do whatever it takes and more to get what they want out of you. Before you get with a guy, do you ask them “do you have a girlfriend?” No, of course not, because you automatically presume that they’re single. Don’t just assume that she knows, because we’re all capable of being sly and sneaky when we want to.
It’s degrading to other women. Who gives you the right to bash another girl for her choices? Nobody. Not only is it slut-shaming but it’s also woman hating, and when people hear you doing it they think it’s okay for them to do it too. As the saying in Mean Girls goes, “You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.”
And now for my most important point, there’s no need to be so fucking mean. Some of the comments I’ve had thrown at me for problems like this over the years have stayed with me to this day, and you never know how what you say will affect someone. It costs absolutely nothing to be a nice person, and there’s no need to make somebody feel bad just because you’ve gotten hurt. Girls, stop being so catty with each other, it’s completely unnecessary.
Also, don’t be that idiot. Don’t be that stupid girl that I was when I was fifteen, who kept taking back her boyfriend who cheated on her multiple times and getting into countless arguments with girls about it. You look ridiculous. I look back at myself and practically wince at what a complete door mat I was. It’s painful to think about.
Stand up for yourself but do it the right way, don’t take shit from the person who’s supposed to love you the most, or like you the most, or whatever. If your boyfriend is cheating on you, just get rid of him. You deserve a lot better than that, and you know it. If like in my situation, the problem is with an ex, just stand back from the situation and think about what you’re going to say before you say it. It’s normal to be angry and upset in those situations, but you it’s not fair to take it out on others around you.